Codependency: What Is It and How Can You Overcome It?

Codependency is a unique condition in that it only reveals itself in the context of relationships. It is not always recognized as a mental health issue in its own right, but psychologists and psychiatrists are well aware of its existence. Approximately 25% of people who end up in therapy for mental health or substance use disorders report symptoms and behaviors associated with codependency, with women reporting these experiences more often than men. ¹

Codependency is not officially recognized as a mental health disorder by the psychiatric profession. Nevertheless, it is an impactful condition that can disrupt relationships and add a dysfunctional element to family dynamics.

What is Codependency?

It is not uncommon for people to become deeply worried about the problems experienced by their partners, children, parents, friends, or siblings. They may feel a need to offer their support and assistance as a result of their love and concern.

This is a normal response in relationships. In some instances, however, this understandable concern can change into something excessive. A person may begin to worry so much about the problems of their loved one that it prevents them from focusing on their own health and wellness. Trying to take care of the other person becomes their main priority, to the point where they will neglect their own physical, emotional, and psychological needs.

This is what is known as codependency. The term describes a psychological condition where a person becomes excessively concerned over the behavior of their companions, and about the life challenges those companions face. Not temporarily in response to an emergency, but as a recurrent type of behavior.

Codependency can cause you a lot of distress. It will stay with you and interfere with your attempts to live your own life and concentrate on solving your own problems, or even admitting they exist. You identify so deeply with your role as a caregiver for the other person that you automatically put them first. You would be filled with guilt and shame if you did anything else, because you’re certain that you are the only one who can protect them from themselves.

Core Characteristics of Codependency

In a 2018 article published in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, researchers identified four characteristics closely associated with codependency.² They were:

• A tendency to focus on the needs of others before your own
• Self-sacrifice, or the neglect of personal needs as a pattern of behavior
• A need to control another person’s life choices
• Difficulty recognizing and expressing emotions

The concept of codependency was originally applied to people who were in a relationship with someone suffering from a substance use problem. A person was said to be codependent if they blamed themselves for their loved one’s addiction, and felt that it was their responsibility to make that person stop abusing drugs and alcohol.

Eventually the definition of codependency was expanded to include all situations where a person excessively focuses about the lives and lifestyles of the people close to them. Someone with a tendency to become codependent may repeat this pattern in multiple relationships, which reveals how life-altering codependency can be.

The Story of Melody Beattie, the Founder of the Codependency Movement

The term ‘codependency’ first became known in the 1980s, and is largely thanks to author Melody Beattie (1948-2025).

In 1986 Beattie published a book called Codependent No More, which went on to become an international best seller. The book explained the concept of codependency in the context of drug and alcohol dependency, focusing primarily on the stories of women who had been in codependent relationships with alcoholic or drug addicted partners.  Some of these anecdotes came from Beattie’s own life, as she had been married to an alcoholic herself (who she eventually divorced).

At around the same time as Beattie published her landmark book, psychiatrist Timmen Cermak published an academic study called Diagnosing and Treating Co-Dependence. He argued that codependency was a real phenomenon that should be classified as a personality disorder.³

While his recommendation was not followed, his research helped give the concept of codependency scientific legitimacy. But it was Melody Beattie’s book that introduced codependency to a much wider audience.

Codependency in Action

Growing up in an abusive household in the 1950s, Melody Beatty began experimenting with drugs and alcohol at the age of 12. She struggled with addiction throughout her teen and young adult years, but finally found sobriety at the age of 26.

Determined to help others whose lives had also been damaged by substance abuse, Beatty studied to become a chemical dependency counselor, a role she filled in the 1970s and 80s in her native Minnesota.

Working with women who were married to alcoholics, she began to notice a repeated pattern. Many of these women expressed a strong need to control their partners’ behavior, while taking personal responsibility for the alcohol abuse. They saw the substance abuse as somehow their failure and felt it was their duty to “save” their partners from themselves. Without realizing it they were actually enabling the addiction, by absolving their husbands of the responsibility of solving their problems on their own.

After being exposed to this curious perspective, Beattie realized that she was in a codependent relationship just like so many of her addicted clients and their spouses. Gaining crucial insights into the concept of codependency, which was still relatively new in therapeutic practice, she believed what she’d learned could help others who were involved in relationships plagued by substance abuse. So she wrote Codependent No More, the book that would ultimately launch the codependency movement.

To date, this book has sold more than seven million copies worldwide. Its publication led directly to the founding of the highly successful self-help organization Codependents Anonymous in 1986.

Signs and Symptoms of Codependency

Are you worried that you might be involved in a codependent relationship? If so, here are some of the psychological, emotional, and behavioral symptoms of the condition that will reveal its presence in your life:

• You constantly seek approval or validation
• You always worry about what others will think of you
• You see your needs and desires as less important than those of others
• You take blame yourself for the failures or self-destructive behavior of your relationship partner
• You don’t express your honest opinions, for fear of being criticized
• You go to great lengths to avoid conflict
• You are deeply bothered when others ignore your advice
• Your moods are strongly influenced by those of your companions
• You sometimes make decisions for others without consulting them, convinced you know best
• You feel guilty when you take the time to do something for yourself
• You feel overlooked and underappreciated, and feel resentful because of it
• You don’t express negative emotions (anger, frustration, resentment, etc.), no matter how bad you might be feeling
• You make excuses for the poor behavior of your companions, even when their hurtful actions are directed toward you

Your codependency will influence your thoughts, feelings, and actions in many ways and on a daily basis. It prevents you from living authentically and independently, and from building relationships that are equally beneficial for both sides.

Causes of Codependency

Codependency has its roots in childhood. You don’t set set healthy boundaries in your relationships because of your personal history, which exposed you to risk factors for codependent behavior.

Family Dynamics

Research into the causes of codependency has shown a universal connection to family history.⁴ What this means is that codependent people tend to recreate the patterns of thought and behavior that were modeled by their parents and other caregivers.

If your family was dysfunctional, you may copy the unhealthy behavior you experienced when you reach adulthood. You won’t do this consciously, but you’ll be vulnerable since this is what you were taught.

The family behaviors that can make children vulnerable to codependency in adulthood include:

• Having a parent who displayed codependent behavior, especially in connection to a partner’s drug or alcohol addiction
• An aversion to conflict, leading to the suppression of family members’ true feelings
• An obsessive concern by parents or caregivers about what other people think of them
• A pattern of self-sacrifice by one or more family members
• Exposure to inconsistent attachment styles (parents were sometimes attentive and loving, but ignored or neglected you and your siblings at other times)
• Any sort of abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual)

This kind of family history will inevitably leave scars, and codependency is one common result of this unfortunate reality.

Low Self-Esteem

Codependent behaviors are intimately connected with low self-esteem.⁵ They represent a coping mechanism for people who feel inferior, powerless, and unworthy. Because of their low self-esteem a codependent person fears rejection all the time, so they adjust their behaviors to make sure they will be accepted.

The telltale signs of low self-esteem include:

• Constant self-criticism and negative self-evaluations
• Approval-seeking behavior of all types
• A pessimistic inner voice that frequently imagines worst-case scenarios
• The avoidance of challenges for fear of failing
• Worrying that others are making negative judgments about you
• Comparing yourself unfavorably to others
• Hiding your true feelings and opinions
• Becoming easily discouraged by any setback
• A need to control other people or the surrounding environment in order to feel safe and secure
• Successes are easily forgotten, but failures are remembered forever

Because it generates so much insecurity, low self-esteem leads into codependency. Unfortunately codependent behavior will only reinforce your feelings of unworthiness, putting you in a downward spiral from which it can be difficult to escape.

Overcoming Codependency, Step by Step

While it takes a lot of hard work to overcome codependent habits, it can be done. With determination and consistent effort, you can replace your self-sabotaging habits with healthier and more empowering thoughts and behaviors. Doing so will bring dramatic improvements in your self-image and allow you to form rewarding relationships built on a foundation of mutual trust, affection, and respect.

Here are a few steps you can take to get your codependency recovery process started:

Acknowledge the problem

Admitting that you’ve been codependent and deciding to do something about it will set you off on the road to healing.  Your ability to move past denial into acceptance is a sign of growing emotional maturity, and that is a powerful ally.

Practice putting yourself first

You should search for hobbies that you enjoy and that will get you out of the house, and make it a point to practice those activities daily or weekly. If you’re asked to do something and your first instinct is to say ‘no’, say it and refuse to second-guess your decision. Acting this way may feel selfish at first, but this is your codependency talking and you must get used to ignoring that voice.

Choose activities that will build confidence

The perfect pastimes for people trying to overcome codependency are those that challenge them to overcome difficult obstacles or develop impressive new skills. Activities like this will reveal your hidden potential and make you realize what you’re capable of accomplishing.

Fill your mind and your life positive thoughts and feelings

You should banish pessimistic and self-critical thoughts from your mind, and if you catch yourself saying such things out loud you should stop yourself immediately. The next step is to replace negative thoughts with hopeful, optimistic, and self-affirming ideas that acknowledge your worthiness as a human being. Doing so will gradually change your mindset and help you build a more positive and resilient self-image.

Start saying what you really think and feel

When you don’t give your real opinions or express your true preferences in order to keep the peace or prevent rejection, you’re making a conscious choice you don’t have to make. So you need to start making the opposite choice, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable or more vulnerable in the beginning. You have the power to change your habit of hiding your true feelings, and over time it will stop feeling unnatural.

Take action to reduce and control your anxiety

People who get involved in codependent relationships are plagued by worry and stress. To get a better handle on your anxiety, you should experiment with mind-body practices that promote calmer states of mind. One of the most effective is mindfulness meditation, which has been shown in studies to significantly reduce feelings of anxiety, stress, and depression.⁶ Some other possibilities include progressive muscle relaxation, yoga,  or Tai Chi. You can also spend more time in places where you feel relaxed and at ease, like out in nature or in the company close friends or family members (the ones who don’t bring out your codependent tendencies).

Mending Your Codependent Relationships

You should escape from codependent relationships with people who’ve abused, neglected, or exploited you. You shouldn’t spend another moment of your life enabling people who’ve treated you this way.

If you’re in a codependent relationship you believe is worth saving, you’ll need to start a serious, ongoing dialogue with your friend, family member or partner that will bring everything out into the open. You’ll need to discuss your codependency honestly, offering your insights on how it has affected you personally and your relationship. You need to be clear about the types of changes you’d like to make, and why it is so vital to make them.

There is no way to know for sure how the other person involved in the relationship will respond to what you’ve been saying. Things will be especially uncertain if your codependency has been helping to enable their drug or alcohol abuse, or protecting them from the consequences of their mental or behavioral health issues. To save the relationship in this case will likely require them to renew their dedication to treatment and recovery, with your support but without your willingness to continue taking responsibility for the outcome of these efforts.

Getting Help: Therapy for Codependency

While acknowledging and directly challenging your codependent habits will help you start your healing journey, you don’t have to do it alone. There are many therapists who specialize in treating codependency, and they can help you regain control of your life and stop you from making the same mistakes in relationships over and over again.

Your options for codependency therapy will include:

• Individual therapy. In private sessions with a psychologist or psychiatrist, you’ll delve more deeply into your relationship history and experiences with your family. You’ll learn more about where your codependent tendencies come from as your therapist helps you devise strategies to overcome them.
• Couples therapy. Couples therapy is especially appropriate for codependent romantic relationships. With your partner by your side, you’ll explore the impact your codependency has had on both of you. Your therapist will help you come to terms with your past, while assisting your efforts to build a more enduring, meaningful, and fulfilling partnership.

• Family therapy. As a supplement to individual or couples therapy, it can sometimes be beneficial to hold family therapy sessions with parents, siblings, and grown children. This can help all of you air out your differences as you heal and create a better future together.
• Group therapy. In a group setting, you can create mutually beneficial connections with people who are facing the same challenges as you are. In this warm environment you can share experiences and insights and support each others’ personal growth.

Therapy can help you permanently break the patterns of thought and behavior that left you vulnerable to codependency. Guided by a skilled and empathic professional, you’ll follow a pathway of healing that will improve your relationships with other people. But most importantly, your therapist will help you change your relationship with yourself.

You’ll learn to value yourself independently of how others might judge you. You’ll build the skills necessary to take conscious control of your life, allowing you to make decisions that help you grow and progress and achieve lasting wellness. You’ll come to understand the difference between healthy and dysfunctional relationships, so you can prevent yourself from falling into the trap of codependency in the future.

With therapy, you can restore your control over your own fate. You’ll come to realize you had the power to do this all along, and that is a lesson you will never forget.

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